I had a short conversation with a co-worker at work two days ago. She had a big concern regarding her baby. She has a two years old. Her baby is taken care by her family while she is at work. She just learned that the baby care taker can no longer do that for her so she has to find a day care and she scared to death thinking about the possibility of having strangers taking care of her only daughter.
It's understandable. Mothers who has young kids and forced to go back to work place has to go through this process of finding the right place or the right person to take care of their babies. It is so fortunate if you have your relatives taking care of your children like many of my friends at work. I don't have that luxury, so when I decided to go back to work when my son was 16 months old, I freaked out too.
In the United States or in any modern and fast growing countries, millions of mothers go back to work a few months after their babies were born. There is no good or bad about being a working mom or being a stay home mom. It depends on your family's needs and what is best for your family. A lot of mothers choose to go back to work just because they would like to be their own person and do something more about themselves other than taking care of their babies for 24/7 even though they can actually stay home because of their husband can afford everything. Do these mothers sound selfish to you? I thought so, that was my thought before I experienced the boredom of staying home. I used to work. I like to make my brain work professionally. Noone should judge this type of mothers as selfish. Actually by working, some of these mothers have healthy living. They can be more creative when they are outside the house and when they get to be home, they spend their quality time with their kids. Sounds so simple but I know for sure the reality is not that simple.
There are other mothers who had to go back to work because economically their family could not afford to live in just one income. Many of them if they can choose would rather stay home with their babies but it is almost impossible if they do. Or there are some other mothers who return to work because they want to provide more for the family; like getting more money to be put into their children college fund, getting a better health insurance, getting more income so they can safe more for their family or for their retirement. However if they choose to be a stay at home mom they are doing okay too.
There are mothers who should go back to work but choose not to just because they can not make enough money at the work place and when they count how much money they will make (lack of experience could be the reason) the amount of money they have to pay for the daycare or nanny and their take home pay would be even. None left, so better stay home. Or the worse there are mothers who actually should go to work but choose not to simply because they are lazy ( I have no respect to this type)
Doesn't matter what situation you are in, being a working mom or a full time mom does not make you be a bad mother or good mother. It does not work that way.
So, I had my own reason why I went back to work. The reason is a little mixed of everything. At first my reason was because I felt bored staying home. I missed the feeling of working with other people, being creative, sharing my ideas, getting my opinion to be heard, fixing problems, providing more to my kids (putting more money for his college account) and these reason mixed with "I don't want to end up being like my mom. She went to law school but all her life she stayed home taking care of us" and "the economy is getting worse what if my husband loses his bussiness". Then two and a half years ago I decided that going back to work is what best for our family. My son is old enough and I have spent the first most precious 16 months of his live for being a full time mom.
I remembered the days when I was looking for a day care for him. Nanny is not our option because we did not feel comfortable leaving him with a single person at home. I did my research. I visited about 9 day cares. I interviewed them and did a tour. Until I found the one that I like that I believe will take a good care of my son.
It was not so easy at the first day, not for me but it was easy for Owen. He did not cry when I left him but I DID. The lady at the day care told me not to show my tears in front of him because he will sense it. So I did not but when I got in the car, I could not help it anymore. I felt guilty. I felt terrible, I felt I am the worst mother in the universe. At work, I could not stop thinking about him. I called the daycare 5 times the first day. I thought of the worst possible thing that might have happened to him. So many WHAT IF in my head. All the bad thoughts.
The second day and until the first three weeks, Owen always cried when I dropped him off. It did not make things easier for me but when the first three week past, he would wave to me saying "bye bye mommy, I love you" as though he did not care about me anymore. I should have been happier about that but I did not. I thought "Oh no, my boy did not care about me being away from him anymore".
You see there, it is not the kid who is miserable, it is the mother. No matter what the situation is, we can not just let it go. I was sad when my son was crying when I left him and I was still sad when my son was more independent. I could not accept that. The kid was fine, it's the mother who was not.
As time passed, my fear about living him in the day care was gone. It got better each day. However I had other fears; "what if they did not feed him right, what if they hit him, what if someone kidnap him, what if...what if..." . I thanked my husband for keeping my insanity to the normal level when I had this thousands of "what if" in my head.
Daycare is not so bad after all. There are many benefits of it. The first 3 months after Owen stayed in daycare, he became more independent, his social skills is really great, his manner is awesome, he speaks more fluently, he even knew how to cover his mouth the right way when he was coughing (the lady who runs the day care has a daughter who goes to medical school and she taught the children to cover their mouth by curving their elbow toward their mouth instead of covering it with their palms when they are coughing. To this day Owen gets a lot of compliments by doing so every thing he is coughing. Even at his preschool he is the only boy who does it. It has becomes his good habit). As to his health, yes he got sick a lot at the beginning but being sick like having cold is not necessary bad for young kids. This way their body build the immune system and he'll get sick less later in their life.
I told my friend my story and I hope she would feel much better knowing that she is not the only one who is experiencing this. As I said over and over again, daycare is not bad. What matter is finding the right one for you. Visit as many as you can and interview them. You can sense the bad vibes or good vibes when you speak with the owner or the people who run the place. They can not hide their sincerity or they love of young kids. As mother you are blessed with this sixth sense of finding the right person to take care of your kids.
I know I picked up the right place for Owen, every time I dropped him off in the morning, he would run towards his care taker and hugged them and I also heard good stories from other parents who put their kids there. To this days even though Owen is not staying there anymore, we still have good relationship with the care takers and our kids and the parents are still friends.
I hope my friend will have some piece of mind after hearing my stories. As mothers, our fear will never go away because it is not us who take care of our baby while we're away. You have to do what you have to do and do what best for your family.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Good dad versus jealous mom
I signed it to blogger but this is not my first blog. I have been on and off with blogging simply because I have been so busy dealing with a four year old, a two month old and a full time job not to mention dealing with my wonderful husband.
I have been enjoying my time and getting full attention from my son because my husband is out of town for ten days. Here I am writing what I am feeling...
"Can you please read me another story dad?", that would be the most common words or request my son would ask his dad after he has been reading him three or four book each night before bedtime. On the bad day, my husband can stay with Owen reading him books for over an hour. "Daddy, let's wrestle" or "Daddy, let's play train" or "Daddy I want to play the game on the computer (an he will sit on his dad's lap playing game)" or "Daddy, pick me up and throw me up high". Yes, all the cool fun part he gets to do with his dad. Sometimes, I was just the tiniest bit jealous about it and thinking "Why hadn't I be the one doing all that cool stuffs with him?"
It's comforting to know that I am not the only mom who's had such moments. Plenty of us admit to everything from mild envy to full-blown resentment of our mates' parenting skills. That makes me feel (sometimes) ungrateful. After all, I finally have something that mothers have wanted for generations; an extra pair of hands.
Since the last seven years of living in the states and making friends with other parents, I have seen that many dads here in the US spend lots of time with their kids. They do child-care and related duties like shopping and housework. Looking back when I grew up in my country, Indonesia, I did not see that a lot. In fact, my mother who is a stay at home mom (she sacrificed her degree and job to take care of us) was mostly the one who did everything for us; child-care, shopping, cooking, helping us with homework, taking care of us while we're sick..I meant almost everything. My dad was busy working, being the sole provider for the family and his job required a lot of traveling abroad.
I have seen my husband being so patiently fulfilling my son's needs by playing with him as much as he can while he is home. I received a nice compliment about that from the teacher at the day care where my son used to go. She said "Owen is one lucky boy. He always has different great stories about new places his daddy took him or activities they did together and other kids in the daycare don't really have that kind of stories. Your husband is a great father". Yes, it is a compliment and make me feel good knowing that and I feel that tiny jealousy again.
One reason I am possessive or we are as women of the parental crown may be that, although society's changed, I still get the traditional messages about woman's roles. A lot of mothers in our workplaces, our TV shows still tell us that moms should do most of the childcare. For myself, no matter how far along I am in my career or no matter how feminist I consider myself to be, at some level I am coming from an assumption that women, mothers are caretakers. When I came back to work after staying home with my son for about 16 months, I felt guilty about the time away from him. And at home, sharing childcare with my husband, I felt a little jealous that he was the central to my son's life as I was. Now that I've gone through this twice, all I'd add is that the twinges of regret are overwhelmed by the joy of raising kids together. There is no other reason I can think of that jealousy, except for the guilty, nagging feeling that I ought to be spending more time with my child.
Well, there is at least a few other reason and there is the matter of love. When my husband spend extra time nurturing our son (he is so lucky that his work hours is not always 9 to 5), Owen becomes extra attached. Owen just adores his dad. he's his little shadows. He thinks his dad is more playful than I am. At first it just hurts because I didn't feel that he loved me as much as he loved his dad. For mom like me, what hurts is a deep-seated notion that I should be better parents than my husband.
As a working mom, I am glad that I can shine as my own person when I am at work. When I get to be home I feel a pressure to shine as parent. It can be frustrating when my husband is more fun with our son than I am. It seems he is doing very well at work and then when he is he comes home he is doing very well with the kid. It's like he is doing great everywhere and I'm running to keep up.
However, I know that I would not and should not keep the jealousy inside my head. Actually I am pretty glad that my husband is doing great with my son. My kid is lucky to have two hands-on parent. I hope that having a caring involved father will someday spur him to be a good man like his dad. For my daughter (who is only two months old now) I hope it will spur her to choose a guy with those qualities.
I have been enjoying my time and getting full attention from my son because my husband is out of town for ten days. Here I am writing what I am feeling...
"Can you please read me another story dad?", that would be the most common words or request my son would ask his dad after he has been reading him three or four book each night before bedtime. On the bad day, my husband can stay with Owen reading him books for over an hour. "Daddy, let's wrestle" or "Daddy, let's play train" or "Daddy I want to play the game on the computer (an he will sit on his dad's lap playing game)" or "Daddy, pick me up and throw me up high". Yes, all the cool fun part he gets to do with his dad. Sometimes, I was just the tiniest bit jealous about it and thinking "Why hadn't I be the one doing all that cool stuffs with him?"
It's comforting to know that I am not the only mom who's had such moments. Plenty of us admit to everything from mild envy to full-blown resentment of our mates' parenting skills. That makes me feel (sometimes) ungrateful. After all, I finally have something that mothers have wanted for generations; an extra pair of hands.
Since the last seven years of living in the states and making friends with other parents, I have seen that many dads here in the US spend lots of time with their kids. They do child-care and related duties like shopping and housework. Looking back when I grew up in my country, Indonesia, I did not see that a lot. In fact, my mother who is a stay at home mom (she sacrificed her degree and job to take care of us) was mostly the one who did everything for us; child-care, shopping, cooking, helping us with homework, taking care of us while we're sick..I meant almost everything. My dad was busy working, being the sole provider for the family and his job required a lot of traveling abroad.
I have seen my husband being so patiently fulfilling my son's needs by playing with him as much as he can while he is home. I received a nice compliment about that from the teacher at the day care where my son used to go. She said "Owen is one lucky boy. He always has different great stories about new places his daddy took him or activities they did together and other kids in the daycare don't really have that kind of stories. Your husband is a great father". Yes, it is a compliment and make me feel good knowing that and I feel that tiny jealousy again.
One reason I am possessive or we are as women of the parental crown may be that, although society's changed, I still get the traditional messages about woman's roles. A lot of mothers in our workplaces, our TV shows still tell us that moms should do most of the childcare. For myself, no matter how far along I am in my career or no matter how feminist I consider myself to be, at some level I am coming from an assumption that women, mothers are caretakers. When I came back to work after staying home with my son for about 16 months, I felt guilty about the time away from him. And at home, sharing childcare with my husband, I felt a little jealous that he was the central to my son's life as I was. Now that I've gone through this twice, all I'd add is that the twinges of regret are overwhelmed by the joy of raising kids together. There is no other reason I can think of that jealousy, except for the guilty, nagging feeling that I ought to be spending more time with my child.
Well, there is at least a few other reason and there is the matter of love. When my husband spend extra time nurturing our son (he is so lucky that his work hours is not always 9 to 5), Owen becomes extra attached. Owen just adores his dad. he's his little shadows. He thinks his dad is more playful than I am. At first it just hurts because I didn't feel that he loved me as much as he loved his dad. For mom like me, what hurts is a deep-seated notion that I should be better parents than my husband.
As a working mom, I am glad that I can shine as my own person when I am at work. When I get to be home I feel a pressure to shine as parent. It can be frustrating when my husband is more fun with our son than I am. It seems he is doing very well at work and then when he is he comes home he is doing very well with the kid. It's like he is doing great everywhere and I'm running to keep up.
However, I know that I would not and should not keep the jealousy inside my head. Actually I am pretty glad that my husband is doing great with my son. My kid is lucky to have two hands-on parent. I hope that having a caring involved father will someday spur him to be a good man like his dad. For my daughter (who is only two months old now) I hope it will spur her to choose a guy with those qualities.
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