Good dad versus jealous mom

I signed it to blogger but this is not my first blog. I have been on and off with blogging simply because I have been so busy dealing with a four year old, a two month old and a full time job not to mention dealing with my wonderful husband.

I have been enjoying my time and getting full attention from my son because my husband is out of town for ten days. Here I am writing what I am feeling...

"Can you please read me another story dad?", that would be the most common words or request my son would ask his dad after he has been reading him three or four book each night before bedtime. On the bad day, my husband can stay with Owen reading him books for over an hour. "Daddy, let's wrestle" or "Daddy, let's play train" or "Daddy I want to play the game on the computer (an he will sit on his dad's lap playing game)" or "Daddy, pick me up and throw me up high". Yes, all the cool fun part he gets to do with his dad. Sometimes, I was just the tiniest bit jealous about it and thinking "Why hadn't I be the one doing all that cool stuffs with him?"

It's comforting to know that I am not the only mom who's had such moments. Plenty of us admit to everything from mild envy to full-blown resentment of our mates' parenting skills. That makes me feel (sometimes) ungrateful. After all, I finally have something that mothers have wanted for generations; an extra pair of hands.

Since the last seven years of living in the states and making friends with other parents, I have seen that many dads here in the US spend lots of time with their kids. They do child-care and related duties like shopping and housework. Looking back when I grew up in my country, Indonesia, I did not see that a lot. In fact, my mother who is a stay at home mom (she sacrificed her degree and job to take care of us) was mostly the one who did everything for us; child-care, shopping, cooking, helping us with homework, taking care of us while we're sick..I meant almost everything. My dad was busy working, being the sole provider for the family and his job required a lot of traveling abroad.

I have seen my husband being so patiently fulfilling my son's needs by playing with him as much as he can while he is home. I received a nice compliment about that from the teacher at the day care where my son used to go. She said "Owen is one lucky boy. He always has different great stories about new places his daddy took him or activities they did together and other kids in the daycare don't really have that kind of stories. Your husband is a great father". Yes, it is a compliment and make me feel good knowing that and I feel that tiny jealousy again.

One reason I am possessive or we are as women of the parental crown may be that, although society's changed, I still get the traditional messages about woman's roles. A lot of mothers in our workplaces, our TV shows still tell us that moms should do most of the childcare. For myself, no matter how far along I am in my career or no matter how feminist I consider myself to be, at some level I am coming from an assumption that women, mothers are caretakers.  When I came back to work after staying home with my son for about 16 months, I felt guilty about the time away from him. And at home, sharing childcare with my husband, I felt a little jealous that he was the central to my son's life as I was. Now that I've gone through this twice, all I'd add is that the twinges of regret are overwhelmed by the joy of raising kids together. There is no other reason I can think of that jealousy, except for the guilty, nagging feeling that I ought to be spending more time with my child.

Well, there is at least a few other reason and there is the matter of love. When my husband spend extra time nurturing our son (he is so lucky that his work hours  is not always 9 to 5), Owen becomes extra attached. Owen just adores his dad. he's his little shadows. He thinks his dad is more playful than I am. At first it just hurts because I didn't feel that he loved me as much as he loved his dad. For mom like me, what hurts is a deep-seated notion that I should be better parents than my husband.

As a working mom, I am glad that I can shine as my own person when I am at work. When I get to be home I feel a pressure to shine as parent. It can be frustrating when my husband is more fun with our son than I am. It seems he is doing very well at work and then when he is he comes home he is doing very well with the kid. It's like he is doing great everywhere and I'm running to keep up.

However, I know that I would not and should not keep the jealousy inside my head. Actually I am pretty glad that my husband is doing great with my son. My kid is lucky to have two hands-on parent. I hope that having a caring involved father will someday spur him to be a good man like his dad. For my daughter (who is only two months old now) I hope it will spur her to choose a guy with those qualities.